Yeah thats right, that title makes no grammatical sense AND thats how lazyness is spelled.

Not that I claim anything I do is epic. Rather much of my life is fail. I just couldn’t find a better adjective.

You know what’s awkward? When people call me on my bullshit. I tend to exaggerate a lot. My intelligence, my stories, my funniness, my “badassery” yeah lot of that is stretched and I know it. But then when people call me out on it I’m like dude… seriously. Killjoy. Dont talk and just believe my awesome stories.

This has got to be one of the most useless week in my entire life since I was a infant and and being productive for the day meant not drooling or crying for an hour.

I have absolutely NOTHING. I haven’t even watched that much TV  and I dont know where the hours disappear off to. My mom sees me and wants to chuck me out of the houe for being a bum (not that I blame her, it’s just really unfortunate for me). I said I wasn’t going to do this but FUCK ME I DID IT. IM SORRY. Going home is like traveling through a wormhole to back when I was a loser. Not that it has changed much but I’m just saying.

I have nothing to do. I live in the suburbs of LA, so if I want to get anywhere I need to drive. I also left my driver’s license at home since my dad wanted to make sure I didnt drive in Chicago. I got home.

Me: Mom where’s my license.

Mom: I dont know. You didn’t leave it here. YOU LOST IT?! WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME? I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. YOU LOST IT!

Me: … Ok…calm down… I’ll go look for it…

I couldn’t find it. Plus, our car’s new so my parents wont let me drive it anyway. Bummer. Also I’ve been eating because I’m bored. Shit, I’m so fucked. I feel like such a loser. But today…something magical happened…

I got motivated to do some legitimate work :O DUH DUH DUHHHHH.

How you ask? How did I manage to reach into the crevices of my sad little lazy brain to find the motivation to work?

Simple. I took a look at my high school friends and what theyre doing. Not what theyre doing now, but  like over college. And shit, there’s no better motivator than competition. I dont know about you but I kinda felt like a unsuccessful, awkward loser in high school. For all y’all who had a fantastic time in high school and dont know what I’m talking about… I dont like you either.

I was determined to get away from this place and become a successful awkward loser instead. And I just imagined reading that entire sentence with a British accent. It’s fun, thinking in another accent. You should try. Dont pick an asian accent tho, it’s just unattractive. OH if you’re skilled do a Scottish accent. They be crazy with their vowels.

I saw how some of my hs friends were being productive and cool and realized what a bum I’ve been. So now shit’s going to get real.

I’d write down my to do list but some of it is kinda personal so I’ll keep that off the blog for a while.

I realized that I have this really dumb look where my mouth is slightly open and my eyes are completely blank. I was looking at my recently tagged pictures on facebook when I saw that a majority of these pictures had me with that same stupid look. fml. I also typed/read that entire paragraph in a Australian accent because I just watched a video of Natalie Tran.

On another note

My family is pretty darn funny. We are very blunt, honest, and loving and it confuses outsiders but we’re totally okay with that; we love you and would like to feed you. We also speak rapid Chinglish and eat a ridiculous amount of food and watch documentaries for fun. My family is predominately female but my dad’s comfortable enough to be totally cool with it. They also say the funniest shit. They also dont approve of “funniest shit” but they’re not reading this. Here are some of the things they say that just…yeah.

(when I got home for winter break)

Me: Mom you look skinnier!

Mom: Thanks. Cant say the same for you. I thought Freshman 15 was the end of it but what the heck is this?!

Me: Daddy is it ok if I want to travel after I graduate?

Dad: Sure. Have a good time! But you’re not getting any money from me.

Me: Awwww daddy!

Dad: Nice try. No money.

(later in the day)

Mom: So I heard you have exciting plans after college.

Me: Yeah, but Dad said he wont give me any money

Mom: Oh whew thank goodness. I love your dad.

Me: Mom! Are you getting me anything for Christmas?

Mom: I paid your tuition. Merry Christmas.

Me: There is nothing under the tree. It’s so sad.

Mom: Then go wrap up some boxes from the garage.

Me: Do yall think I’m going to poor when I get older?!

Mom:  I’m afraid for my retirement! I wouldn’t care otherwise.

Sister: HEY BRENDA. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU –>

Me: …

Sister: The only difference is it’s 80 pounds lighter!

Me: You’re so funny.

Sister: I know right. Mom and I are laughing.

(after a Claritin commercial)

Sister: That girl depends on drugs for happiness.

( At my sister’s Christmas choir performance at a church)

Sister: There’s this chubby girl in the choir and daddy said ” Hey you guys see Brenda up there?”.

Me: What?! ( goes inside the church to find parents)

Dad: I wasn’t insulting you on purpose. Her face actually looks like you.

Me: Holy shit she does!

Parents: We’re in a church Brenda! It’s been ten seconds since you’ve stepped inside. What is wrong with you.

Well Dad, I wonder that too. What is wrong with me? Too much to fix so why even try?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!