Part 1: The Notice

During Access last night on Skype for iPhone [ I always pick up calls/text/messages from my family]

Dad: ” You log me off. I am hurt” ” “

Me: ” What? I’m in church right now”

Dad: ” Pray for me… my lovely daughter doesnt want to talk to me.”

Me: ” I’m in church!!”

Dad: ” Just kidding ”  [ He uses emoticons!!]

Me: “Haha I love you.”

Dad: ” Call me tomorrow or Sunday. We all miss you very much” (I haven’t called home in 2 weeks. I swear its because I’m busy and not because I dont want to talk to them)

Dad: ” I want to leave you alone to do what you need at church. You need to focus on what you do now, especially with GOD [ he uses all caps with GOD]. No joking matter with GOD.

My dad is like the a Jedi-of-wisdom Yoda. ( You might be tired of reading about him BUT TOO BAD. I love writing about what he says.)

I think I have an understanding that I live in my own world ( more so than other people) and forget things easily (muchmuch more so than other people). So God, being the cool guy that he is [ I'm not being sarcastic, I actually do think this is cool], reminds me. He knows I am a person who likes logic and sequence. I like understanding what the hell happened. So He humors me and makes things GLARINGLY obvious because lets be real, I wouldn’t notice otherwise.  I then gather these experiences and come to a conclusion in my head. In my imaginative mind, everything sounds good and I feel inspired. But in my head. He then tests me as if saying, ” Oh really Brenda? You think that? Let’s see it then.”

Well played God. Thanks for keeping me in check and keeping me humble.

Part 2: The Dream

Everyone wants to think they’re special, unique, and not one in a million. No one likes to think that when they die, the world will move on like they never mattered. No one likes to think they can easily be forgotten. Existentialist crisis, yeah? Dont worry, every single college student goes through it. If you dont go through it now, just wait till your mid life crisis.

So question: What do you do when you realize you are not anything special and that you never will be? What is the point of you being here right now?

After Access, slept at 3:30.  Woke up at 7 for Uncle George. I am not a morning person.

Brain takes 1 hour to start up (not an exaggeration). Sitting in cold because Sheil is locked. I am a grumpy person right now and trying not to fall asleep. Door unlocks, we set up, Uncle George comes. Shockingly I do not fall asleep (surprised myself). He talks about serving other people because that is what essentially matters.

Funny thing is, I have come to that conclusion before. I am found out that I am happiest when I make other people happy, especially those I love. I feel slight conviction, or as much conviction someone with 20% of their brain working can. I was right, God is pointing me this way! Yay, I’m not a hopeless case and I have something to hold onto. And not just helping any people. I’ve said this before, I want to fight for those who cant fight for themselves.

I happily saunter off to do some errands and meet at Dixie Kitchen for lunch. I like to listen to music when I walk. Puts me in a mood and helps me get creative and think. I believe I have found a firmer direction. Brenda, you are going to live your life for people who cant fight for themselves. And that’s great, because you are a natural born bitchy fighter already. I AM DETERMINED. [Feeling rather elated right now]

Part 3: The Reality

Walk to Barnes n Nobles ready to get shit done and get my life in order and work for GOD. People, rememeber, it’s all about the people. I sit down at a table near the plugs.

Man sitting next to me: ” I think someone is sitting there.”

Me: ” Oh, okay thanks!”

Man: ” You can this table” ( he has 2 tables side by side with him)

Me: ” Thank you again.”

Man: ” Can you go to the cashier and ask him if he can sharpen my  pencils?”

Me: “????What?”

Man: Hands me pencils

Me: “Uhh…sure.” [Goes gets him pencils.  Cashier says that guy does this all the time. Really confused and uncomfortable right now. He has a glassy eyed look and smells like he hasnt showered in a long time. Very polite though. Returns with pencils. Starts setting up.]

Now these are my actual thoughts and I am not proud of them.

Why is he staring at me? I really hope he doesn’t bother me again. I’m really fucking busy. Please dont bother me. That was really weird, I hope there was nothing wrong with the pencils.

Man: ” Can you go get customer service for me?”

Shit, I’m really uncomfortable. Is he trying to take my stuff? All my electronics are out.

Me: ” Yeeeaaah” [ takes my shit with me. He tells me he can watch my stuff for me.]

No way I’m leaving thousands of dollars worth of stuff with you pal. No customer service. Ok, please dont bother me anymore. Quick, put in earphones and pretend to look super intense.

I regret thinking every word.