2 things:

1. Traveling, as cliche as it sounds, really does open your eyes to new worlds that you cannot ignore. New experiences, new cultures, new people is so exciting.

2. Traveling for fun, unless its your job and business trips dont count, is not a lifestyle. It’s an escape, it’s an experience. It’s a deviation from my life back home.

3. Traveling is enjoying and marveling at life and the world. Working is surviving in it.

4. I feel behind compared to my friends back home. I feel helpless to catch up. I dont want to do work, it’s all too temporary here. I dont want to work because I’d rather be traveling.

5. I miss NU like crazy. although im seriously going to miss all my white friends. Love me some asian an all but I love my white friends

Conclusion: Rut. Routine. Class to home to computer.

Sad Solution: TV shows and procrastination. and skyping the boyfriend ( i’ll admit it)

I need to fix myself.

What the hell happened to me. I used to be great at taking a ton of pressure. Now I just hide.

But seriously enough of this self pity. ( I’ve started talking to myself now, shhh you’re a third wheel)

I can do this. I can pull myself out of this hole with my own two, oddly small and stubby hands. Life, you’re a bitch. But so am I and I have a whole lot  more in me. And I will do it by the time I leave for London. On a brighter note!

Places I’ve been [Spark Notes Version]:

Copenhagen and Aarhus, Denmark ( just had to put that one ). by the way you have to say Aarhus with a grunt like a viking.

Brussels and Ghent, Belgium ( most amazingly multicultural/Ghent Illuminations still haunts my dreams)

Berlin, Germany ( i LOVE this city. They counted all their trees and labeled them.  They have a over 6 story central train station. Hitler’s place of death is a parking lot. Germans had to go through civil fights, Hitler, the Soviets, the Allies, and now the Greeks. I love me some Germans)

Oslo, Norway ( gorgeous country, FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS PRICES)

Malmo, Sweden ( couldnt tell much.)

Hruba Skala and Mala Skala and Prague, Czech Republic ( CHEAP DELICIOUS FOOOOOOD. Most beautiful nature I’ve ever seen in my life. Castle, candlelit treasure hunt, girl time, meat and potatoes, GOULASH)

Vienna, Austria ( Vienna Opera- Ballet. Who knew I’d like ballet? First time I went to CSO I fell asleep 15 min and woke up with no regrets. Schonbrunn palace, gardens and concert…who knew i’d like opera too?, wonderful apartment, clean amazing city, schnitzel, cakes and coffee, church with genitalia, history in the streets, music everywhere, culture coming out of the ass.)

Barcelona and Madrid, Spain ( palm trees, warm weather, ESPANOL BABY [ donde esta el bano? can you respond to me in ingles por favor?] 10 euro el menu del dia, mustachioed waiter and restaurant from NYTimes, Flamenco!, tapas experiences, biking through madrid, teleferico,food food food, FCB vs Real Madrid, Plaza de Trippy, drugs in the air, men selling beer and drugs in the streets, gorgeous park, bargaining, soccer scarves and shirts, i love spain)

will visit:

London, England

Germany or Turkey?

Then when I leave for home it’s

Copenhagen –> CDG –> LAX –> home ( for about 4 hours) –> LAX –> Taipei. over 26 hours on a place. Is there such thing as a Dramamine overdose? I DONT WANT TO BE AWAKE FOR THIS.

Then Taipei –> LAX –> CHICAGO!!!!

Day 1 was exhausting. 14 hour flight ( slept through most of it, ate the nasty plane food) then waiting for 2 hours are the Hilton for host family.

Jenn- roommate (separate rooms). Quiet. Kinda Awkward. Didnt seem too keen on making more conversation but that might be because she was really tired.

Martin ( the dad)- big. really big. deep, accented voice. dry humor, very straight foward, but not bad intentioned.

Eva ( the mom)- gentle, timid, shy. helpful and sweet.

Sofie ( youngest daughter)- pudgy, a little dorky, and very sweet as well. Like her mom but with better English. Also likes Twilight apparently.

Mikael (middle son)- reserved, good English, adds in to convos when parents are at loss for English.

The house- SO SMALL. O.O. located in the countryside. Very beautiful, quiet, and green. I heard owls. OWLS. There’s a forrest in the back. I live in a tiny tiny tiny room hahahaha. the roof is slanted in but i have this cool window. My room is so small. I hope the bed’s comfy.

The town- the cutest, little quiet town. almost like out of a movie. I’m kinda far away from the train -_-.

Weather- good today, but rained after dinner. I heard it’s been raining a lot.

Food- umm…small portioned and not that great. I’m used to steaming, delicious, large platters of yumyum Chinese food. This has a lot of veggies. the food is very fresh, but small portioned. the taste is light to bland. Had some wedding cake. Not my kind of sweet.

Everything is really small and nothing is excessive. Unlike good ole America.

I’m going to have to figure out the transportation system. I WILL BECOME COMPETENT WITH DIRECTION. I live an hour away from school.

Going into Copenhagen tomorrow.

Also I felt very homesick when I got to my new home. Dunno why, just incredibly intensely homesick. Never been like that in Chicago. Then again that’s a different city not a different country. Much better now. More excited. And more scared im going to get lost.

First impression: I have a lot of change to get used to. Also, I hope I can lose weight through this. Haha jk, Denmark is very beautiful, the people are very good looking, and everything is much more economical than America. I’m not supposed to compare, but I cant help it.  NEED TO SLEEP, GOTTA WAKE UP EARLY.

During Access last night on Skype for iPhone [ I always pick up calls/text/messages from my family]

Dad: ” You log me off. I am hurt” ” “

Me: ” What? I’m in church right now”

Dad: ” Pray for me… my lovely daughter doesnt want to talk to me.”

Me: ” I’m in church!!”

Dad: ” Just kidding ”  [ He uses emoticons!!]

Me: “Haha I love you.”

Dad: ” Call me tomorrow or Sunday. We all miss you very much” (I haven’t called home in 2 weeks. I swear its because I’m busy and not because I dont want to talk to them)

Dad: ” I want to leave you alone to do what you need at church. You need to focus on what you do now, especially with GOD [ he uses all caps with GOD]. No joking matter with GOD.

My dad is like the a Jedi-of-wisdom Yoda. ( You might be tired of reading about him BUT TOO BAD. I love writing about what he says.)

I think I have an understanding that I live in my own world ( more so than other people) and forget things easily (muchmuch more so than other people). So God, being the cool guy that he is [ I'm not being sarcastic, I actually do think this is cool], reminds me. He knows I am a person who likes logic and sequence. I like understanding what the hell happened. So He humors me and makes things GLARINGLY obvious because lets be real, I wouldn’t notice otherwise.  I then gather these experiences and come to a conclusion in my head. In my imaginative mind, everything sounds good and I feel inspired. But in my head. He then tests me as if saying, ” Oh really Brenda? You think that? Let’s see it then.”

Well played God. Thanks for keeping me in check and keeping me humble.

Part 2: The Dream

Everyone wants to think they’re special, unique, and not one in a million. No one likes to think that when they die, the world will move on like they never mattered. No one likes to think they can easily be forgotten. Existentialist crisis, yeah? Dont worry, every single college student goes through it. If you dont go through it now, just wait till your mid life crisis.

So question: What do you do when you realize you are not anything special and that you never will be? What is the point of you being here right now?

After Access, slept at 3:30.  Woke up at 7 for Uncle George. I am not a morning person.

Brain takes 1 hour to start up (not an exaggeration). Sitting in cold because Sheil is locked. I am a grumpy person right now and trying not to fall asleep. Door unlocks, we set up, Uncle George comes. Shockingly I do not fall asleep (surprised myself). He talks about serving other people because that is what essentially matters.

Funny thing is, I have come to that conclusion before. I am found out that I am happiest when I make other people happy, especially those I love. I feel slight conviction, or as much conviction someone with 20% of their brain working can. I was right, God is pointing me this way! Yay, I’m not a hopeless case and I have something to hold onto. And not just helping any people. I’ve said this before, I want to fight for those who cant fight for themselves.

I happily saunter off to do some errands and meet at Dixie Kitchen for lunch. I like to listen to music when I walk. Puts me in a mood and helps me get creative and think. I believe I have found a firmer direction. Brenda, you are going to live your life for people who cant fight for themselves. And that’s great, because you are a natural born bitchy fighter already. I AM DETERMINED. [Feeling rather elated right now]

Part 3: The Reality

Walk to Barnes n Nobles ready to get shit done and get my life in order and work for GOD. People, rememeber, it’s all about the people. I sit down at a table near the plugs.

Man sitting next to me: ” I think someone is sitting there.”

Me: ” Oh, okay thanks!”

Man: ” You can this table” ( he has 2 tables side by side with him)

Me: ” Thank you again.”

Man: ” Can you go to the cashier and ask him if he can sharpen my  pencils?”

Me: “????What?”

Man: Hands me pencils

Me: “Uhh…sure.” [Goes gets him pencils.  Cashier says that guy does this all the time. Really confused and uncomfortable right now. He has a glassy eyed look and smells like he hasnt showered in a long time. Very polite though. Returns with pencils. Starts setting up.]

Now these are my actual thoughts and I am not proud of them.

Why is he staring at me? I really hope he doesn’t bother me again. I’m really fucking busy. Please dont bother me. That was really weird, I hope there was nothing wrong with the pencils.

Man: ” Can you go get customer service for me?”

Shit, I’m really uncomfortable. Is he trying to take my stuff? All my electronics are out.

Me: ” Yeeeaaah” [ takes my shit with me. He tells me he can watch my stuff for me.]

No way I’m leaving thousands of dollars worth of stuff with you pal. No customer service. Ok, please dont bother me anymore. Quick, put in earphones and pretend to look super intense.

I regret thinking every word.

I love watching YouTube short films. Shorts are the poems of films. I found this gem at 1am and cried like a little girl. Not kidding and not ashamed to admit that before the video even ended I was tearing and choking up…and that continued for a while after.

During dinner, my dad was telling me how when it comes to his kids he only cares about three thing: their happiness, safety, and health. Also why he never cared that he had 3 daughters and no sons, why he doesn’t care if I dont become a doctor, and he doesn’t care if I becomes successful or not.

“As a parent, you know I want to protect you from all the evil, bad things in the world. But I know no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to do so forever. That is why I let you make your own choices, but in the end I can only do so much. This is also why I tell you to trust in God because He is the only one who can protect no matter what.”

^-^ My heart is bigger because of you.

Here’s a funny one in case you had a heart and cried after watching the previous video.

(Mom bursts into my room): Wake up!!

Me: *grunts* go away

Mom: ( grabs my wrist to make me slap myself awake. Very mature mom) Hahahaha.

Situation B: Driving

Mom: Hey! Tea station, you want a drink?

Me: Yes!

Mom: Oh look we just drove past, too bad.

Me: ?!?! >:O

Mom: What, it’s too late. Zoomed right by.

Situation C: Shopping

Me: I only look big because the shirt is poofy and light.

Mom: Yeah, blame the shirt.

OR

Mom: Put down that dress. That’s for skinny people, dear.

OR

Mom: I dont know if that skirt and your butt is the best idea.

OR

Mom: Dont give me that look! I’m just being honest. And honesty is love. This is how I say I love you: Please lose weight.

Man I love my family. They are sooooo funny.

THE GOOD WIFE IS THE SHIT. And I watch way too many television shows so I KNOW what I’m talking about. I have watched A LOT of good shows. And The Good Wife is…utterly amazing. There is so much intensity, so much layers, so much ACTION ( betrayal, love, conspiracy, back stabbing, fighting, double crossing, humor) I do not know how these writers can pack EVERYTHING into one 40 minute show. It is genius. Seriously, fucking genius. I know this sounds overly dramatic, but thats the beauty of this show. It doesnt do it gaudily but with subtle, acerbic wit. Also, I have to say one of the best parts is this show’s badass line of female characters. No other show can compare. None of that whiny bitches. These woman arent just sexy and beautiful, but they are kicking ass and taking names. For example:

I want to be her. This.Cant. Get.Any.Better. The characters are real, raw, and passionate.  They arent just angsty, overemotional, or annoying. They are intelligent, aggressive, and ready to dominate. This show just made every other show its bitch.

I think I had a brain orgasm. Yeah I did.

Therefore I have just this to say.

I love my lifegroup.

Not just the cute “awww” love. Although nothing serious happened, its the all the little things that make me smile and appreciate the LG family I have.

Really, I love you guys. I’m sad our year together is half over.

I had no time to blog/write because by the time I got home I was so tired I just wanted to sit. So now I’m home. It’s going to be a pain to try to remember what I wanted to blog about…Oh man I’m so lazy. Instead I’m going to take the easier route. It’s what everyone else has been doing blogging/posting/annoying me about so now it’s my turn. I actually couldn’t care less that it’s a new year. Just doesn’t seem that important to me. I know people say its like a new start, but every day is a new start if you want it to be.

MY NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

1. Stop being so damn lazy. I’m really lazy. Stop it Brenda.

2. Get straight As. I know this one sounds like something a typical asian/overachiever/lame goal but I’ve been slacking off in studies ever since I got to college. I haven’t really studied hard since high school. Sad. And I actually believe I can if I put some damn effort.

3.  Call mom at least every the other day. Call dad 3x a week. Skype with family 1x week. Email/chat sisters more often.

4. GYM. HAHAHA. No seriously, I will get my act together and go 5x a week. I will walk up to my room and not call up the elevator ( unless it’s really late at night and I’m exahusted or I’m carrying heavy stuff or the elevator is working) Joy we said we would do yoga/gym for 2 quarters now. WE MUST THIS YEAR.

5.  Eat right. I enjoy food a lot. But I use it wayyyy too much. As entertainment, as a stress reliever, as a social tool, whatever. I eat too much. And I dont eat healthy. Not because I want to live longer, but because it’s a crutch sometimes and I should just enjoy food as food. People, please stop me from eating so much. Just take it away from me, or eat it before I get to it. Or slap me! I give you permission to slap me if I’m eating too much. But I might slap back because taking away my food makes me mad.

6. When I speak let the words be positive and less of the bitching or verbal assaults I like to do. Language. I curse too much. I shall cut out the “damns” and the “fucks” and the other obscenities I like to use. Or just ugly words in general.  I keep the “shit” though. And “ass” because that is not a cuss word. It’s a donkey.

7. Read the Bible. READ THE BIBLE. BRENDA, YOU NEED TO READ THE BIBLE.

8. Stop disliking people because I dislike their personality. Stop being a bitch to people I dont like. Stop ignoring people I dont like. Stop being a bitch in general. Stop disliking people the moment I meet them. Stop judging them. Stop using Facebook so much. Stop being so irritable. Stop letting things irritate me. Be friendly and good-natured

9.  Let God be the foundation for all my endeavors.

10. Figure out and understand  JD/MBA programs. Preprare to study for GMAT and LSAT. I’m excited

11. Organize all my shit. Grace has graciously and repeatedly pointed out what a complete mess I am. I am a complete mess. Should not be.

12. Stop attempting to find boyfriend. Focus on friends, career, and life. I’m too crazy to be in a relationship….right now.Katie can attest to it, all the guys I like are A) Crap or B) Gay. That’s a problem. Besides I’d rather be successful than in a relationship. Why not both? Because I clearly cant even handle one let alone both.

13. Like church more. I dont mean going to Sunday Celebration. Like church more and it’s people, it’s gatherings, and it’s goal. I hope I dont offend anyone with this.

14. Stop talking so much. A lot of the stuff I say “is not worth replying to”(Jared Cho). I dont deny it, lots of the stuff I say is unnecessary or mean. I should talk a lot less, especially when I’m mad. Learn how to handle my emotions.

( wooooow. This is a lot of stuff)

15. Less Facebook. Seriously this thing is the devil.

16.  Quit being so loud. When my voice annoys me, I’m being wayyyy too loud. When people can tell I’m back because they hear me down the hall, I’m being too loud.

17. Go to Disneyland. I love that place so much. I would bring everyone there if I could and I will drag my family there all the time.

18. Find good internship for the SUMMER!!!

19. Sleep 8hrs a day, no later than 12-1. I really have no good reason for staying up late.

20. Have fun with life! Enjoy the little things, be content what I have, forget what I’m potentially missing out on, ignore what I dont have, rethink what I want, love the people I’m with. Think less.

Man, this is going to be a hard set of 20 things to do (except for #20). I would appreciate it a lot if you guys could keep me in check (specially with that food one). I hope everyone has a great new years. I’ll be celebrating the change at church. Actually I’d celebrate it at home in my PJ’s and a crap load of junkfood if I could but my dad insists on church. Not that I dont want to be in a house of God on new years eve. But that I feel awkward when I see people I know from the youth group. I havent gone back to church since the end of middle school because I dont like my church’s english/youth group. Most of them are nice people but uh…very different lifestyles and perspectives.

I love being home with family. Best Christmas present ever.

Not that I claim anything I do is epic. Rather much of my life is fail. I just couldn’t find a better adjective.

You know what’s awkward? When people call me on my bullshit. I tend to exaggerate a lot. My intelligence, my stories, my funniness, my “badassery” yeah lot of that is stretched and I know it. But then when people call me out on it I’m like dude… seriously. Killjoy. Dont talk and just believe my awesome stories.

This has got to be one of the most useless week in my entire life since I was a infant and and being productive for the day meant not drooling or crying for an hour.

I have absolutely NOTHING. I haven’t even watched that much TV  and I dont know where the hours disappear off to. My mom sees me and wants to chuck me out of the houe for being a bum (not that I blame her, it’s just really unfortunate for me). I said I wasn’t going to do this but FUCK ME I DID IT. IM SORRY. Going home is like traveling through a wormhole to back when I was a loser. Not that it has changed much but I’m just saying.

I have nothing to do. I live in the suburbs of LA, so if I want to get anywhere I need to drive. I also left my driver’s license at home since my dad wanted to make sure I didnt drive in Chicago. I got home.

Me: Mom where’s my license.

Mom: I dont know. You didn’t leave it here. YOU LOST IT?! WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME? I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. YOU LOST IT!

Me: … Ok…calm down… I’ll go look for it…

I couldn’t find it. Plus, our car’s new so my parents wont let me drive it anyway. Bummer. Also I’ve been eating because I’m bored. Shit, I’m so fucked. I feel like such a loser. But today…something magical happened…

I got motivated to do some legitimate work :O DUH DUH DUHHHHH.

How you ask? How did I manage to reach into the crevices of my sad little lazy brain to find the motivation to work?

Simple. I took a look at my high school friends and what theyre doing. Not what theyre doing now, but  like over college. And shit, there’s no better motivator than competition. I dont know about you but I kinda felt like a unsuccessful, awkward loser in high school. For all y’all who had a fantastic time in high school and dont know what I’m talking about… I dont like you either.

I was determined to get away from this place and become a successful awkward loser instead. And I just imagined reading that entire sentence with a British accent. It’s fun, thinking in another accent. You should try. Dont pick an asian accent tho, it’s just unattractive. OH if you’re skilled do a Scottish accent. They be crazy with their vowels.

I saw how some of my hs friends were being productive and cool and realized what a bum I’ve been. So now shit’s going to get real.

I’d write down my to do list but some of it is kinda personal so I’ll keep that off the blog for a while.

I realized that I have this really dumb look where my mouth is slightly open and my eyes are completely blank. I was looking at my recently tagged pictures on facebook when I saw that a majority of these pictures had me with that same stupid look. fml. I also typed/read that entire paragraph in a Australian accent because I just watched a video of Natalie Tran.

On another note

My family is pretty darn funny. We are very blunt, honest, and loving and it confuses outsiders but we’re totally okay with that; we love you and would like to feed you. We also speak rapid Chinglish and eat a ridiculous amount of food and watch documentaries for fun. My family is predominately female but my dad’s comfortable enough to be totally cool with it. They also say the funniest shit. They also dont approve of “funniest shit” but they’re not reading this. Here are some of the things they say that just…yeah.

(when I got home for winter break)

Me: Mom you look skinnier!

Mom: Thanks. Cant say the same for you. I thought Freshman 15 was the end of it but what the heck is this?!

Me: Daddy is it ok if I want to travel after I graduate?

Dad: Sure. Have a good time! But you’re not getting any money from me.

Me: Awwww daddy!

Dad: Nice try. No money.

(later in the day)

Mom: So I heard you have exciting plans after college.

Me: Yeah, but Dad said he wont give me any money

Mom: Oh whew thank goodness. I love your dad.

Me: Mom! Are you getting me anything for Christmas?

Mom: I paid your tuition. Merry Christmas.

Me: There is nothing under the tree. It’s so sad.

Mom: Then go wrap up some boxes from the garage.

Me: Do yall think I’m going to poor when I get older?!

Mom:  I’m afraid for my retirement! I wouldn’t care otherwise.

Sister: HEY BRENDA. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU –>

Me: …

Sister: The only difference is it’s 80 pounds lighter!

Me: You’re so funny.

Sister: I know right. Mom and I are laughing.

(after a Claritin commercial)

Sister: That girl depends on drugs for happiness.

( At my sister’s Christmas choir performance at a church)

Sister: There’s this chubby girl in the choir and daddy said ” Hey you guys see Brenda up there?”.

Me: What?! ( goes inside the church to find parents)

Dad: I wasn’t insulting you on purpose. Her face actually looks like you.

Me: Holy shit she does!

Parents: We’re in a church Brenda! It’s been ten seconds since you’ve stepped inside. What is wrong with you.

Well Dad, I wonder that too. What is wrong with me? Too much to fix so why even try?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

The Morning Story

I accidentally overslept and so when I woke up in the morning at 11 the first thing I said was “FUCK” and rolled out of bed onto the chair. Literally, since my desk is right next to my bed. So I’m typing away and extremely groggy. Someone knocks. I assume its Joy since I was gchatting with her.

Me: Come in! ( Meh, It’s probably Joy)

Dhrumil: Hey Brenda ( Brenda: Fuck, it’s not Joy)

Me: Hey Dhrumil. So I know this sounds awkward but I’m going to need you to leave for a minute. I need to put on pants.

Dhrumil ( not fazed at all): Alright. [ turns around and leaves]

Me( in my head): LOL

The Bathroom Story

I only do this pant-less thing in my room. But then I woke up at 6am to go to the bathroom. I figured nobody’s outside.

Me (Walks to bathroom, not wearing glasses either): need to pee. need to pee. need to pee.

Me ( Sees figure of a freshmen walking down the hall towards her): …well fuck. Seriously?!

The freshman and I awkwardly meet in front of the bathroom.

Me (very meekly): You can go in first.

Freshman ( this is what I imagined what she would be thinking): wtf.

The Roommate Story

My roommate is a very accepting person. She is a very good hearted person   I usually wear pants in the room, but sometimes I dont and I forget that I’m not and I try to leave the room. She thankfully notices and yells:

“PANTS!”

And do you change into clothes right away after showering? I like to take my time and chill out in my towels.

So someone knocks. Again.

Me : Hey Katie, is it a guy or girl outside? [ Joy points out that I should get dresses anyways]

Katie (checks door): Uhh…hi! Hold on a sec. ( turns to me) PUT CLOTHES ON.

Me : EH? Clothes clothes clothes….KATIE WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!

Katie: How should I know?!

Me : Where are my pants!!

Katie: I DONT KNOW.

Me ( after rummaging and finding clothes, opens door): Hi!

Andrew ( dude outside the door): I heard all that.

Me :  Pretend you didn’t.

Andrew: You’re loud.

The Neighbor Story

Ok this was totally intentional. I walked over to Ji Eun and Harika’s room without pants to see how long it would take them to notice.

We had a whole conversation. But then…

Ji Eun: Wait a minute…are you not wearing pants?! OH MY GOD. GET OUT!

Harika: WHAT?! I thought you were just wearing super short shorts!

Me: BHAHAHAHAH (laughing so hard I can barely walk)

Ji Eun: GET OUT!

Harika: What is wrong with you?!

I got this Threadless T-shirt that says ” Sadly, my day requires pants.” Story of my life.

By the way, watch this video of Natalie Tran. It’s hilarious.

Nudity is funny. Dont deny it.